The Lost Art of Eye Contact

If the title of this article caught your eye, that’s a good start—it might even help you reflect on where your eyes typically focus and where they don’t. Eye contact, once a cornerstone of human connection, is becoming increasingly rare in our screen-dominated lives. The beeps, alerts, and endless digital distractions have shifted our gaze away from the eyes of others and into the glow of our devices.

And it’s not just adults who are losing touch with this fundamental skill. A recent survey revealed that 62% of educators believe children are worse at making and maintaining eye contact than in years past. This decline reflects a cultural shift away from face-to-face engagement, one that has profound implications for how we communicate and connect.

It’s hard to overestimate the seismic changes screens have wrought in our day-to-day, from the minor to the massive. Our attention spans, tolerance for boredom, and curiosity about the real world around us have been hijacked by the digital revolution. 

But devices are only one of the challenges surrounding this lost art.

Let’s say we manage to put our phones aside for a moment and truly engage with our listener. What’s the next barrier? It begins with the very term we use: “eye contact.” This phrase frames eye contact as a static object, something you either “have” or “don’t.” We often hear it described in these terms: “She has great eye contact” or “He has poor eye contact.” But this view oversimplifies the concept, reducing it to a mere possession rather than recognizing it as a dynamic and interactive process that requires intention and awareness.

Eye contact is not a possession; it’s an activity. It’s not something you simply “have” or “don’t have.” In fact, one can experience both good and bad eye contact at any given moment. Viewing it as a static attribute is reductive, and it ironically shifts the focus onto the speaker, rather than the interaction itself.

Read More: Making Eye Contact With a Baby Changes Both Your Brain Waves, Study Says

Instead, I suggest we consider eye contact as an art form. Great artists—no matter their medium—are tasked with honing their sensitivity to the world around them in order to interpret and reveal it. They use all their senses to absorb information and deepen their connection with their environment. Similarly, your eyes give you an opportunity to connect more deeply and vividly with those around you, allowing you to notice the subtleties of human interaction that enrich your day-to-day experiences.

Is it really that simple? Yes! Eye contact is the result of earnestly and actively trying to decipher the communication of the other person and ensure that your communication is received.

But executing is far from simple sometimes. It’s a snap to have great eye contact when you’re completely at ease and engrossed in a thrilling topic with a fascinating partner.

But what about when the tables have turned and self-consciousness rears its ugly head?

When you’re feeling self-conscious, just the mindset shift of striving to focus on the other person may not be enough. In those situations, you need to be able to draw on muscle memory from effective practice. Which reveals the third culprit that prevents people from unlocking powerful eye contact: not knowing how to improve it.

In 15 years leading a communication training firm and coaching everyone from presidential candidates to high school freshmen, I have helped thousands of people cultivate better eye contact —even when feeling self-conscious—by doing physical exercises that rely on embodied cognition to unleash positive behaviors.

To start, try a fun exercise I developed called “Silent Storytelling.” As the name suggests, you’ll tell a story—but without sound. Think of it like lip-syncing: you’ll mouth the words expressively, but you cannot vocalize. Recruit a friend or two and use your eyes, face, hands, and body to convey your message. The goal is for your audience to fully understand the story, even without hearing a word. Keep in mind, this isn’t charades; you’re not acting out individual words. Instead, focus on expressing your narrative as vividly as needed to make it clear.

Pay close attention to your audience’s reactions—raised eyebrows, widening eyes, or nodding—these subtle cues will indicate whether they’re following along. What you’ll discover is that “good eye contact” comes naturally when you need to gauge their understanding without the help of sound. This exercise trains you to observe reactions and engage with others in a deeper, more intentional way, even when the experience feels unfamiliar.

The second exercise involves a ball. To start, gather a couple of audience members and practice speaking to each person one at a time. Begin by sharing one idea with the first person, and at the end of that idea, toss them the ball. They should hold it briefly before tossing it back to you. Once you’ve received the ball, look to the next person and share your next idea, passing the ball to them once you’re done.

As you alternate between speaking to each person, you’ll quickly realize why you must maintain eye contact: you need to ensure they’re ready to catch the ball. If you’re not looking at them, you risk them missing the catch. This simple exercise trains you to make purposeful eye contact to gauge your audience’s readiness, reinforcing the importance of connection in communication.

These exercises are incredibly effective because they make eye contact feel natural and even enjoyable, rather than a chore. Rather than fixating on whether you have “good” or “bad” eye contact, these techniques help you tap into the skills you already possess but may not yet be fully aware of. Through practice, you can build muscle memory for confident, meaningful eye contact that doesn’t require perfection, just presence. So, let go of the self-criticism and embrace the fun of improving your communication—one glance at a time.