Stop Kink Shaming People

In Season 7 of Love is Blind, Monica, a 37-year-old sales executive and Stephen, a 34-year-old electrician, found “love in the pods.” But their relationship fell apart when Stephen was caught sexting with another woman. The content of those sexts was kinky, which added another layer to Monica’s feelings of betrayal. Stephen’s actions ignited quite a bit of viewer backlash, causing some to speculate about what kinks he’s into and assume the worst. But while cheating is by-and-large never ok, it’s worth examining the different forms kink-shaming can take.

While Monica and Stephen were getting to know each other in the pods, Stephen confessed to a history of cheating, but didn’t admit to having any kinks or fetishes. (He does tell her “Feel free to treat me like a piece of meat. ‘Cause I think it is so sexy.” which may have been a hint.) While Monica and Stephen were living together in D.C. after getting engaged, they had a tough conversation about Stephen getting laid off, and he turns the topic back to being treated like a piece of meat. He enacts a submissive pose to show that he would enjoy being dominated. He jokes about pegging, and how he doesn’t consider it something for special occasions. He even slips into conversation that Monica doesn’t necessarily need to take the lead like in a “sub-dom” relationship, a reference that seems out of place given that they were discussing Monica’s need to feel emotionally safe to engage in sex with him. The signs were there, and yet nothing was made entirely explicit. That is, until Monica discovers Stephen’s kinky sexting.

This all felt very familiar.  I’ve seen what kink shame can do to relationships.

The feeling of needing to hide one’s kink identity is very common and stems from deep, historical stigmas against alternative sexualities. Kink shame is a feeling that the type of sex you want is bad, wrong, disgusting, or immoral. A person may feel guilt and shame each time they engage in their fetish or have kinky sex. This shame can drive them to seek out more normative types of behaviors and relationships—and can also lead to promising themselves they will never do the “bad” thing again.

But being kinky is actually a sexual orientation. Oftentimes, people will likely find themselves coming back to kinky sex over and over again, either through digital or in-person experiences. Some of my clients who identify as kinky are looking for partners who align with their kinks and fetishes because they have struggled to remain faithful in previous relationships that didn’t satisfy their kinks. This struggle is in large part due to the tremendous amount of shame they carry. When they gain more acceptance of who they are, they opt for being more up front with their desires, rather than suppress them. They realize that the consequences of not sharing their sexual desires leads to pain and frustration for themselves and eventually, their non-kinky partners.

Read More: ‘Love Is Blind’ Just Aired the Kind of Political Debate You Never See on Reality TV

Talking about kinks and fetishes isn’t easy, especially with people outside of the kink community. This is why so many people don’t share their desires with potential partners. Oftentimes, the shame is so great that kinky people will dance around their desires—rather than say them outright—to test whether the other person is receptive to what they want. They try to protect themselves from judgment, but give enough hints that they hope their partner will pick up on and get excited by. And if their partner isn’t interested, then they have plausible deniability. This is a lose-lose situation. Kink becomes a secret between them rather than a part of their dynamic as a couple.

This can be remedied by finding sexually like-minded partners to begin with.

Having a shame-free relationship that includes kinks can manifest in many ways. You can have a primary partner with additional partners who engage in a particular fetish with you; you can have your kinky needs met by a partner with whom you share all other aspects of your life; or you can play as a couple with other people. In all these cases, kink is brought into the partnership for connection and isn’t hidden away like a dirty little secret.

One of Stephen’s last statements after getting caught is “I definitely don’t deserve much.” This highlights the shame he felt about his actions and the fact that he was likely repeating past mistakes. Kink shame isn’t an excuse for cheating or betraying a partner or their trust. Those behaviors are an extension of the shame and should be recognized as signs that there is work to be done to reconcile your kinky identity. There are partners out there who will be as excited, if not more, to engage in the types of kinks and fetishes you’re into. Hiding yourself not only hurts you but those around you, and everyone deserves to be seen and loved for who they really are.